I have a wonderful friend, who has a wonderful son. As her oldest child, the college admissions process took them both by surprise. Although he was an excellent student with excellent extracurriculars, he was rejected by all the colleges in the Ivy-Plus world. Although he did gain admission to a top-notch public flagship in the Honors College, he felt terrible about himself for the rest of high school and the first year of college, comparing himself to other friends and classmates who did manage to be admitted into the Ivy world.

Thankfully, this didn’t last forever. Four years later, he graduated from the public school with a great education, and now has a high-paying job in his desired field and is living his best life. As to his friends at the Ivy’s, I have no idea what happened to them because no one in the family talks about them anymore, and he’s certainly not comparing himself to them anymore.

Although getting rejected from anything sucks, in retrospect, perhaps his emotional reaction to his college process could have been mitigated by some parental preparation. Just like my friend, many parents today are unaware of how truly selective the Ivy-Plus schools are and how accomplished the competition is in terms of grades, extracurriculars, and perhaps curing cancer. It’s a grim situation, really–but it doesn’t have to be.

If your child is applying to college this year or next, as a parent, there are some things that you can do to protect your child’s self-esteem.

Maintaining a Supportive Approach: Steps Parents Can Take

• Knowledge is Power: Parents need to educate themselves as to how the college application process is radically different than it was for them. Look at me–everyone today is so impressed that I attended college at the University of Chicago. While I was a good student, it’s important to remember that at the time of my application, the admissions rate was 50%. It’s gone down quite a bit since then, and somehow, I still get credit for today’s level of selectivity. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there now, folks. This Holderness Family video is a quick and fast comparison of admissions then and now, and only has a little sarcasm in it.

• Language Counts: Use positive language when discussing colleges. Replace terms like “safety school” and “dream school” with “likelier,” “targets,” or “reaches.” Nobody wants to go to a “safety school,” even if it’s got everything a student could want or need. And getting rejected from your “dream school”? Heart-breaking. Getting rejected from your “reach school”? Sort of expected.

• Recognize Effort: Acknowledge and celebrate the effort and dedication your child puts into their studies, no matter the outcome. Effort deserves recognition.

• Celebrate Achievements: Every acceptance letter is a step forward. Celebrate these milestones with enthusiasm and positivity.

• Handling Rejections: Rejections are part of life, and this won’t be the last one your child experiences. Offer support and understanding, but stay calm. Try to put it in perspective—no one’s dying just because they didn’t get into Dartmouth. And as my friend’s son’s example shows, no one’s failing at life just because they didn’t get into Dartmouth.

At the end of the day, the most important thing you can do for your child is to let them know that you love them and are their biggest fan–even if they are flawed people (because that’s the only way humans come) and even if things don’t go their way. I think that in terms of mental health, that’s a lot more powerful than getting accepted to a highly rejective school. So take that, cruel world–love always wins.