When I went to tour McGill last summer with my two kids, ages 15 and 11, I had two very different experiences. While waiting for the tour to start,  my eleven-year-old son read the course catalog, picked his major, and decided on his dormitory.  My fifteen-year-old avoided sitting next to me, seemed very unhappy, and repeatedly glared at me whenever she thought I might ask a question. It wasn’t just me–another mother was struggling with her own seventeen-year-old daughter.  Because this was her oldest child and their first college visit, the mother was shocked at her daughter’s behavior and kept trying to reason with her, all to no avail.  Having gone through this with my oldest child, I quietly informed her that the behavior she was witnessing was, in fact, normal.

Of course, there will be happy exceptions to this experience, but more often than not, touring high school students seem embarrassed by their parents, like embarrassed that they even have parents in the first place.  To have their parent do anything that makes them stand out among this crowd is just the worst thing anyone could ever, ever do.  And if the parent has the temerity to ask the tour guide a question–you might as well file the report with Child Protective Services right now.

After the tour, during which my daughter did her best to not seem at all related to, or even know, my son and me, I asked her what she thought.  “It was the best tour ever!” she replied.  She thought the school was great and the tour guide was very informative.  Then, she skipped off the the bookstore for McGill swag.  When it came time to pay, she definitely acted like she knew me.

Believe it or not, for the teenage brain, this is all completely probable behavior.  I’m sure as my son gets a bit older, he’ll give me the cold shoulder on his college visits as well. It comes down to a developmental phase called adolescent egocentricism.  Just as toddlers think they are the center of the universe, perhaps to the detriment of those around them, adolescents revert back to this egocentrism for a few years.  At this time, they often think that, given that they are the center of the universe, everyone is looking at them and evaluating them.  They also think that they are pretty much smarter than everyone else, especially their parents, who seem now to be quite stupid–how could they have not noticed this before?

In an attempt to correct their very dumb parents, teenagers can actually be quite rude, argumentative, and dismissive of their parents’ well-meaning actions, such as asking a question on a college tour.  In addition to being stupid, the parents also CALLED ATTENTION to the teen, which is, if you think that everyone is looking at you and evaluating you, perhaps the WORST thing you could ever, ever do.  Better to pretend that you don’t even know those people and the imaginary audience won’t associate you with their idiocacy and general cringiness.

To top it off, there’s also the whole thing of having to leave home and create a new life for yourself, which can set the most well-adjusted teen on edge!  The combination of separation anxiety and adolescent egocentrism can make for a very, very long day for families brave enough to go on a college tour.

If you find yourself in a similar situation with your applicants, know that you aren’t alone.  Also, as difficult as it is, try not to take it personally, and try not to correct your teen too much because I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t fight neurology.  It’s a phase, and it will (eventually) pass.

I know that some college counselors advise families that college touring should be a joyful, wonderful bonding experience.  If misery loves company, I guess that’s true, but as someone who has done a lot of college tours with and without my children, going with my kids means I’m walking around terrified of raising the wrath of my child by doing the wrong thing.  Or anything really.  Going without my kids is fun, informative, and peaceful.  I can finally live my authentic, best life.  Until I get home.

P.S.—for a more upbeat video about a college tour, check out this reel from Collegelife, about the tour guide who is bad at walking backwards…